Imagine.. I'm 5 years old. We're at the State Fair. I've got my pink cowgirl boots on and piggy tails in my hair. I've got a smear of cotton candy around my face and the sun is about to go down.
My dad takes me by the hand and urges me toward the front of the line.
We've decided that I'm going to Mutton Bust.
For those of you who do not know what "Mutton Busting" is, you put a small child on the back of a sheep and they hang on for dear life while the sheep runs through a fair arena. The child that hangs on the longest gets the coveted prize, a new bicycle.
I wanted to follow in my older sister's footsteps and make my dad proud. I wanted to win that bicycle.
But I get to the front of the line and I chicken out. I've decided that riding a grimy sheep is not for me. And life goes on.
Now.. I'm 6 years old. We're again at the State Fair. I've now got a purple pair of cowgirl boots and I'm determined to ride that sheep!
We get to the line, and I'm told that I'm too much weight.
WHAT?!
I could not ride because I was 4 pounds too big.
4! Not 28! 4!
And I was devastated. I let myself down. I've never forgotten that day.
So now.. 16 years later. I'm still living the same scenario.
I dread the middle of the month more than any other time.
I just get feeling that we've made it halfway through another month and then the 15th hits...
paying bills day.
In my jaded unexperienced teens I thought that having a job and paying your bills would bring such a sense of accomplishment. I always wanted to be one of those gorgeous housewives that wakes up with a smile on her face, sets herself to work rightaway, and takes the day by storm. At the end of the day she lays by her husband, and she is content with her day's work..
And for all the other days of the month I do feel good. I feel like we're progressing as a couple and we're accomplishing things that I thought would take us longer. I'm proud that we own a house and I'm proud to say that we drive decent cars and we still fit reasonably within our monthly budget.
We'll have owned our house for 1 year on May 28th. That is so exciting to me that we have almost made it through the first year. I'm assuming the first years are the hardest. We had a hard time adjusting to a huge chunk being taken out of our paycheck and we had to adjust to high utility bills and that there's no landlord to call when your washer gives out. (Which would have been so nice 2 weeks into homeownership). I've learned that with great things, comes great responsibility. It's not always easy to give up so much money and sometimes I wonder what we got ourselves into, but then I think about it and I'm happy that we've accomplished what we have. I know that our struggles now will bring rewards later.
But then that middle of the month rolls around and that house suddenly feels like it weights a thousand pounds and it's on my back. I feel like 2 weeks of hardwork and a paycheck just got flushed down the toilet. I realize that it's going towards what we have, but tell that to my hysterical self when I'm just looking at numbers.
It's just like that dusty day at the fair when I was 5 years old. That sheep seemed like a big scary monster that was slobbering all over it's flock mates. It was too scary and I couldn't face it.
It's just like paying bills. They seem scary and insurmountable and so intimidating on paper.
What I didn't realize is that that "scary" sheep was actually more scared of me than I was of it.
I have to learn that paying bills isn't a scary experience. I get through it every month, but then for some reason I'm nervous about it the very next month all over again. I don't want to turn around in 20 years and never have accomplished something because I was too afraid. I don't want to not have a house or start a family because it seemed too scary at the time.
I realize that life may seem big right now and a little intimidating to me. I'm not sure if anyone else feels the urge to sell their house and backpack through Europe forever (meaning, my occupation would be.. a bum) everytime you have to pay bills, but someday I'll look back and know that I worried for nothing. That my family and I are what life is about and houses and cars and running water are all just necessities that shouldn't be made into a big deal.
And just like that fluffy stinky sheep, I should tackle life head on and not be intimidated by it. I never want to feel like I let myself down again, no matter what situation I'm in so I better start being a little more brave.
