Autumn

Fall always brings mixed feelings to me.

I love the crisp air and the smell of the air.
I love the warm clothing and getting away with wearing ten layers.

I love the changing leaves and boots.

There's things that I also don't love about fall.

Remember this beautiful couple?

This is my mom and dad.

I love them so much. 

But fall always makes me remember when they weren't so happy in their marriage. 

I moved to Idaho in October 2004 and became a part of this family.

(I'm Facebook stealing pictures)

This is just part of the Montgomery family.

We're been through ups and downs and certainly a lot of great times.

So this is where falls comes in. It always reminds me of feeling torn.

Torn on whose side I should be on, and who I should be happy for.
I'm happy for my parents, but on the other hand, it's so hard leaving behind my adopted family.

It feels so good not to have a broken family, but to be truthful. It's still mending.

Fall brings back all those memories that I hold close to my heart that I try not to let out. I don't want people rationalizing how I feel or how I should be feeling. What I really want is to remember the good times while also moving forward in the best way possible. 

I still get to see and talk to these incredible people, but we no longer get the close relationship that I loved. I no longer get to help feed cows or go on a double date "bunny bashing" with your sister.

The hardest part about divorce and second marriages is your heart grows and is opened up to new family. You embrace your new life with enthusiasm and happiness, but when things don't work out, you have to pretend that those pieces of your heart aren't missing. You have to go on with this patchwork quilt of a heart, with so many little pieces taken out of it.

I love this version of my family so much and they mean more to me than life itself,

but that's just it. Because life isn't always perfect and it's always everchanging, I will always have another version of my family close to my heart.

I am so happy and content in life right now.

It's hard to have any hard feelings about my past because I really do believe that it has made me who I am.

I think the tugging at my heart is supposed to be there. It is telling me that it's okay to hold those memories close to me while also being happy for how life has worked out.

                           Because maybe without going through those experiences, I wouldn't have him.

So maybe I should enjoy fall. It makes me look back and smile and think of all the people that are part of my life for whatever reason they were put there.