Too Cool For School

I am going back to school :)

I am soooo excited. I went for one semester after I graduated high school, but I had to pay out of state tuition and it cost too much so I didn't go back the next semester and was planning to wait until I became a resident of Utah. Well then I got married and life got crazy so I haven't gone back, but now I am ready as I'll ever be.

I'm not going to lie, I'm really really nervous. It's a big commitment and a lot more work than what I'm used to. It's going to be time consuming and stressful at times but I am ready. I'm excited.

It's something that I just want to do. I want to be able to contribute to my family's success and I want to prove to myself that I can do something and follow through and gain the rewards from it.

I'm going to Weber, and to start out with I'm mostly just doing generals. I have two degrees that I wouldn't mind having so after my intial generals are done then I'm going to choose which one to major in. Either Sociology or a Business Administration degree with an emphasis on Finance.

We'll see where the wind blows me but ultimately it is up to me and I'm ready to start learnin. :)

Wish me luck!



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A Lesson Learned

Imagine.. I'm 5 years old. We're at the State Fair. I've got my pink cowgirl boots on and piggy tails in my hair. I've got a smear of cotton candy around my face and the sun is about to go down.

My dad takes me by the hand and urges me toward the front of the line.

We've decided that I'm going to Mutton Bust.

For those of you who do not know what "Mutton Busting" is, you put a small child on the back of a sheep and they hang on for dear life while the sheep runs through a fair arena. The child that hangs on the longest gets the coveted prize, a new bicycle.

I wanted to follow in my older sister's footsteps and make my dad proud. I wanted to win that bicycle.

But I get to the front of the line and I chicken out. I've decided that riding a grimy sheep is not for me. And life goes on.

Now.. I'm 6 years old. We're again at the State Fair. I've now got a purple pair of cowgirl boots and I'm determined to ride that sheep!

We get to the line, and I'm told that I'm too much weight.

WHAT?!

I could not ride because I was 4 pounds too big.

4! Not 28! 4!

And I was devastated. I let myself down. I've never forgotten that day.

So now.. 16 years later. I'm still living the same scenario.

I dread the middle of the month more than any other time.

I just get feeling that we've made it halfway through another month and then the 15th hits...

paying bills day.

In my jaded unexperienced teens I thought that having a job and paying your bills would bring such a sense of accomplishment. I always wanted to be one of those gorgeous housewives that wakes up with a smile on her face, sets herself to work rightaway, and takes the day by storm. At the end of the day she lays by her husband, and she is content with her day's work..

And for all the other days of the month I do feel good. I feel like we're progressing as a couple and we're accomplishing things that I thought would take us longer. I'm proud that we own a house and I'm proud to say that we drive decent cars and we still fit reasonably within our monthly budget.

We'll have owned our house for 1 year on May 28th. That is so exciting to me that we have almost made it through the first year. I'm assuming the first years are the hardest. We had a hard time adjusting to a huge chunk being taken out of our paycheck and we had to adjust to high utility bills and that there's no landlord to call when your washer gives out. (Which would have been so nice 2 weeks into homeownership). I've learned that with great things, comes great responsibility. It's not always easy to give up so much money and sometimes I wonder what we got ourselves into, but then I think about it and I'm happy that we've accomplished what we have. I know that our struggles now will bring rewards later.

But then that middle of the month rolls around and that house suddenly feels like it weights a thousand pounds and it's on my back. I feel like 2 weeks of hardwork and a paycheck just got flushed down the toilet. I realize that it's going towards what we have, but tell that to my hysterical self when I'm just looking at numbers.

It's just like that dusty day at the fair when I was 5 years old. That sheep seemed like a big scary monster that was slobbering all over it's flock mates. It was too scary and I couldn't face it.

It's just like paying bills. They seem scary and insurmountable and so intimidating on paper.

What I didn't realize is that that "scary" sheep was actually more scared of me than I was of it.

I have to learn that paying bills isn't a scary experience. I get through it every month, but then for some reason I'm nervous about it the very next month all over again. I don't want to turn around in 20 years and never have accomplished something because I was too afraid. I don't want to not have a house or start a family because it seemed too scary at the time.

I realize that life may seem big right now and a little intimidating to me. I'm not sure if anyone else feels the urge to sell their house and backpack through Europe forever (meaning, my occupation would be.. a bum) everytime you have to pay bills, but someday I'll look back and know that I worried for nothing. That my family and I are what life is about and houses and cars and running water are all just necessities that shouldn't be made into a big deal.

And just like that fluffy stinky sheep, I should tackle life head on and not be intimidated by it. I never want to feel like I let myself down again, no matter what situation I'm in so I better start being a little more brave.

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Does This Make Me Look Fat?

I am tired today. And I'm not a morning person. I love the morning, but I cannot ever find the strength to drag myself out of bed each day.

Sadly, I'm not a night owl either. So I'm pretty much the dud in the middle.

Anyway.. last night RJ and I are watching the Bachelor. We're making fun and trying to say what they're going to say before they say it. Laughing like crazies.

But we're watching the After the Final Rose ceremony and we're sitting there watching and I'm listening to Emily talk about her relationship with Brad and how hard it is to be away and watch the show.

I don't discount that she has a hard time watching it. I would have a hard time watching him be with other people. But hello.. you're the one with that HUGE ring on your finger and Brad looking lovingly into your eyes at that very second. He obviously wants you.

It kind of opened my eyes. You can see that she has a lot of self doubt and she's insecure.

I am an insecure person. I have the hardest time finding value in myself and what I contribute to the world. I have a hard time seeing my differences as good.

But I try to keep my feelings and emotions in check. I know that they're silly and petty and that there are things in life that matter way more than having all the right clothes and perfect hair.

I notice that when I am feeling down about myself and picking at myself it hurts my relationship with RJ.
And I know I am no expert but I think that Brad and Emily would be easing into this transition easier if she has more confidence in herself and their relationship.

It's comfortable to feel insecure if you've always been that way. It's easier to feel that way than to take the chance and have confidence and speak up more.

But everyone deserves to feel like they have a place in the world and they have a place in their own lives.

Feel good about yourself. It's all about your attitude and your perspective.

Respect yourself enough to know that we're all here for a reason and we're all created differently for a reason. No one person is alike. And that girl or guy that you think has it all, is probably wishing she could change something about themselves too.

That person that you think is out of your league might just be in love with you.

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Boys and Their Pickup Trucks

I know that I talk about RJ a lot on my blog. I know sometimes that it is overwhelmingly mushy. 

However, RJ and I are actually pretty low key independent people. And as with any relationship we have ups and downs. Sometimes RJ drives me absolutely insane. There's days that I want to hurl everything in my reach at him and not feel one ounce of remorse. There's days that he thinks I am crazy and irrational. 

But every night as we sleep next to each other I forget all of the things that I was mad about and can't help but think of all the things that RJ does for me and how he makes me feel.

I love knowing that RJ is behind anything I do 100%. He will listen to me daydream, he'll listen to me rant, and then listen to me cry. He takes it when I'm selfish and he kisses me every time he walks into the door.

I don't have to look far when I need encouragement or motivation. He's always right there, telling me that I can do whatever I set my mind to. 

I never want to live a day not knowing that he loves me. I want him by my side forever. 

Seeing RJ happy makes me so happy that I can't even explain it. I love knowing that he is content and happy and feeling good about life. I am always worried that I'm not doing enough for him or that he's feeling stressed and I have talked too much and he hasn't gotten the chance to vent his feelings.

Which is why I get the best feeling when I hear him out in the garage, rattling and banging his truck and fixing things. 

Then he comes into the house, hands black and a grin spread across his entire face. 

There's no better feeling that I can think of. 

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Beasty Beastess

At what point do you stop putting everyone's feelings in front of yours and speak up about someone being beastly... all the freakin time?!

I am generally one to forgive and immediately forget someone's rudeness. I always feel guilty because I think they may be having a bad day or maybe they just aren't realizing that they're being mean, but really? when do you draw the line?

I have a person I work with that I seriously do not ever want to call.

Being the receptionist, not calling her is not really an option, but I have to work myself up to call her every.single.time.

She makes me feel horrible and makes the office atmosphere horrible.

I try killing her with nice-ness.

I try being as brutally honest and blunt as she is.

I have gotten to the point where I just tell her how it is.

But I haven't had the courage or heart to bring up anything to my boss.

I don't want to ruffle feathers.
I don't want to be targeted as the whiny receptionist that can't handle someone being rude.

But when it's effecting my attitude towards work then where do you draw the line?

I am so frustrated and cannot decide whether or not to keep my opinions to myself or to let someone know. I know I'm not the only person feeling her rudeness, so would it be beating an issue that's already dead?

Who knows.

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Rain

I hate the rain.
Hate is a strong word I guess, but I highly dislike the rain.

It is gloomy.

and it makes me anxious.

But today I don't mind.

Because that means that it's too warm to snow!!!

Spring is just around the corner which means:

Warm weather. Running outside instead of on the treadmill. Tulips. My Birthday. RJ's Birthday.

Our one year anniversary. Easter Camping. Being house owners for one year. Baby chickens. Planting a garden. Spring cleaning. Opening the windows in the hou...

Dude. The rain just turned to snow as I wrote that last sentence.

Hello Winter.

Nice to see you again.

That stupid groundhog is going to go missing soon.

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